How to manage “emotionally immature” team members

JADE*

Let me draw your attention to JADE. Does this help explain how you end up going around in circles and getting more and more frustrated with your employee?

An emotional response will often ‘force’ you into certain behaviours:

J – justifying why you are saying or doing what you are doing
A – arguing with them about why you are right and they need to listen to you
D – defending your right to manage them or defending your right to say what you said. Perhaps even seeking to prove that you are right and that your thinking is reasoned and balanced.
E – explaining – going around in circles trying to find words and a way to explain how you reached your conclusion or understanding…the more they argue back, the more you seek to explain. It can be never-ending if they choose not to, or are incapable of, actually listening to you.

Emotional capacity

“Emotional capacity is the amount of stress, emotion and responsibility your nervous system can hold at any given moment without becoming overwhelmed or shutting down.”

Some employees may simply choose not to understand what you’re saying. Others may not have the emotional capacity to take responsibility. That doesn’t mean you should stop asking them to take responsibility. As a manager, you still have the right to set boundaries, deadlines, expectations and have difficult conversations.

You may simply need to take a different approach if someone is likely to shut down or withdraw when faced with challenge or responsibility.

Your options when managing someone with low emotional capacity

Don’t get drawn into explanations: when someone becomes upset, defensive, angry or withdrawn, resist the instinct to keep explaining. You can quickly end up in a cycle of explanations that are repeatedly rejected or ignored.

Draw a line: restate the issue and expected standard, but don’t get drawn into debating it. If needed, end the conversation or move onto another topic. If they aren’t able to hear what you’re saying, put it in writing afterwards so they can reflect on it. Don’t, however, back away from what you’ve asked of them.

How you respond now will determine their future behaviour: how you respond to anger, fear, hurt or defensiveness matters. If someone learns that getting emotional makes you back off, become defensive or take responsibility for their understanding, that’s what they may expect next time. Congratulations! You have just entered into a never-ending cycle.

Pattern recognition to help choose your response: look for patterns. Has this happened before when they’ve been asked to take responsibility or accept feedback? A one-off reaction is different from an established pattern. Recognise the behaviour and choose your response carefully… don’t undermine your own authority or ability to manage them.

You are not their parent: if an employee expects you to take responsibility for their emotional discomfort, remember that you are their manager, not their parent.

• Treat adults like adults. Don’t do their work, fix their mistakes or solve their problems for them.
• Your role is to set expectations, provide support, develop skills and give clear direction.
• You can encourage them to seek appropriate support, but you aren’t responsible for their emotions or teaching them how to regulate them.

Your options when managing someone who tends to blame others

If an employee always blames you, their colleagues, the customer or the company, acknowledge that. That is their pattern. They may never see anything as their responsibility. From there, decide what your options are:

• Ignore their ‘strop’ if it doesn’t impact the work, team or you. Drop it and walk away. You probably have other battles to fight right now!
• Ask them to self-reflect on the pattern and meet with you in a week or so to discuss what they’ve identified for their own development and what they’re going to do about it. This puts responsibility for change on them.
• Consider coaching on emotional intelligence, focused on managing their emotions professionally, and training on accountability and responsibility to help them understand what’s required and their role in that.
• Set SMART goals focused on emotion and potentially relationship management, with a timescale for review.
• Refocus their work on tasks that don’t require emotional maturity, where possible.
• Consider disciplinary action if you can’t get them to do what is asked. This may be a misconduct or performance issue depending on intent/capability.

A few final tips and guidance

• Don’t allow them to turn you into the enemy. If your employee accuses you of being uncaring, bullying, unkind or cold, stand firm in the knowledge that what you’re doing is fair and responsible. Remember your responsibility to ensure your team is working effectively and productively.
• Don’t confuse their discomfort with feedback with a failure on your part to manage appropriately. Their inability to accept responsibility is about them, not you.
• Don’t weaken your request, goal or boundary to accommodate their immaturity or lack of responsibility.Consider carefully whether you’re adapting because it’s appropriate or simply because of their emotional reaction.
• Leave the meeting knowing you’ve stood firm. Don’t get drawn into endlessly explaining yourself or allow them to feel that you’re in the wrong. Be clear that they are responsible for learning to manage their own emotions during discussions about underperformance, challenges or difficulties.

Finally…

I’d be genuinely surprised if there is any manager in the UK with a substantial team who doesn’t regularly have to deal with emotional immaturity. React first and think second is pretty common, assuming the thinking part happens at all!

Not acknowledging this or leaving managers unsupported can cause stress and frustration, which benefits no one. One of the greatest sources of support organisations can provide is ensuring managers know they will be supported when managing poor behaviour or misconduct.

There also needs to be a fair framework that protects both the employee and the manager, particularly where complaints of bullying can arise when a manager is simply trying to appropriately manage work or behaviour.

*JADE is a boundary-setting tool designed to stop you from over-explaining yourself to people who are not genuinely seeking to understand your perspective.

Questions, thoughts, opinions? Let us know if the comments below… or if you’d like to speak to me directly, send me a message.