Managing and supporting someone with low self-worth
It’s astonishing how many people experience periods of low self-worth. While some people might say it’s not a workplace issue and therefore not something a manager or HR professional needs to support with, the reality is that low self-worth shows up in so many aspects of life and work that, at times, it does become something that we can and should support with.
How low self-worth might manifest at work
- Productivity (e.g. anxiety about work being done, correcting what doesn’t need to be corrected, focusing on the wrong things)
- Quality of work (if we expect little of ourselves this can sometimes translate to lower standard work).
- Personal development (e.g. holding back or not pushing through issues that might breach our comfort zones).
- Relationships and ability to collaborate with others (often seen as withdrawal from others).
- Understanding/acceptance of own strengths and capabilities (not under play or deny them).
- Self-presentation (e.g. personal grooming, styling, contributions in meetings, body language).
- Ability to be balanced when accepting feedback (not overreact, over analyse, only hear the negative).
- Approach to conflict (perceived or real) and confidence to deal with conflict – in the words of Brené Brown: “blame is a way to discharge pain and discomfort”.
- Resilience and ability to deal with the ups and downs.
- Mental health, overall wellbeing and engagement.
And outside of work, we often see very similar things – poor or reduced relationships with others, struggling with honest self-reflection, not always taking personal responsibility and accountability etc.
Some tell tale signs that someone has low self-worth
Low self-worth can often show up in subtle ways at work. To offer the right support, first we need to know what to look out for…
Ideas for managing and supporting those with low self-worth
None of these actions alone may fully restore someone’s self-worth – the roots of trauma often run far too deep for a single manager or HR person to resolve, and most wouldn’t have the time or the expertise. But each of these actions can help to rebuild someone’s self-worth, even if just a little. And over time, those small moments of support can add up to something substantial. Here are a few ideas to consider:
OLDO (Observe, Listen, Discuss, Offer)
Observe – take some quiet time to reflect on the behaviours or habits you see from this individual. Are there themes to the way they behave, are some responses predictable? Consider whether words match body language. Consider whether words/actions reflect balanced thinking. Consider whether their approach is one of compromise and balance or just a barrage (or complete withholding) of feelings.
Listen – sit down with them and talk. Explain why it’s important to raise some issues (e.g. their wellbeing or performance at work) and that you would like to offer support. Ask them if they feel comfortable talking about even just some of the stuff that goes on in their heads relating to their self-worth. Often this conversation is easy to pick up if they have just used with you a low self-worth phrase (e.g. you know I’m no good with people).
Discuss – don’t just accept their version of events. Support where you need to but don’t accept any defeatist behaviours or language. You don’t want them to leave you believing that not doing anything about their self-worth is an option, as it is affecting their whole lives as well as the work they do and the relationships they have at work. Challenge, calmly and respectfully, if they give you avoidant answers, blame game answers or self-defeating answers. Ask them to see if they can reframe what they just said in a positive or constructive way.
Offer – offer your support and a non-judgemental listening ear. Ask what support you can give them. Set some targets, goals or tasks for them to do to begin to work on some of the issues that are relevant to their work/role – make sure that what you set is relevant, realistic and not too stretching for them to achieve. A key part of this support may include coaching – how to form and maintain relationships, how to value yourself, how to self-present, assertiveness, accountability etc.
Challenging ingrained self-beliefs
Don’t tolerate BS
- If you say, “I believe you can do this”, and they respond: “Oh, I’ll give it a go but I’m just not good at this kind of thing” – don’t accept that. Call them out on their continual repetition of low self-worth statements that undermine and underplay what they can contribute at work (e.g. We’ve talked about this before and I thought I’d banned you from using all these low self-worth statements – I value you so much more than that and I’d love you and need you to value yourself).
If someone says, “This is just who I am,” it’s important not to accept that as the end of the conversation. Instead, gently introduce the idea that change is always possible. Share a short video on growth mindset, talk about stepping outside of comfort zones, or even tell a personal story of change. But remember: you can’t change anyone. That decision has to come from them – and often it only happens when they realise that staying the same is no longer helping them. Your role is to support, not to fix.
A time and a place
- Choose a private, comfortable setting for conversations about low self-worth.
- Prioritise psychological safety – this isn’t a moment for tough-love or blunt confrontation.
- Approach with sensitivity, not force.
Be a role model
- Demonstrate self-worth in your own behaviour.
- Speak with confidence and positivity to customers, colleagues, and senior leaders.
- Model the mindset you want to see.
Relationships matter
- It’s common for those with low-self worth to hide away at home when working, insisting that their productivity is higher away from the distractions of the workplace. Don’t automatically accept withdrawal from the workplace as “just their preference.”
- Researchers can demonstrate that strong social connections are vital to meaning, purpose and wellbeing.
- Gently encourage collaboration and interaction to prevent isolation and disconnection.
A continuous conversation
- Building self-worth happens over years or decades, so have the mindset that one conversation won’t fix everything, it will take time.
- Stay calm, consistent, and supportive over the long term.
- Offer guidance and opportunities, but remember: it’s their responsibility to bring about change. It is not on you if they fail to take their own personal development seriously.
Supporting someone who won’t engage with help around low self-worth can be incredibly challenging. While you can’t force change, you are still responsible for holding people accountable for their role. This is a complex issue – if you’re facing it, please get in touch with Jaluch for guidance.
Finally, a few great ways to build people up
- Regularly say thank you
- When praising for something, be specific about what skills they utilised to achieve that – clear examples make it very hard for them to rebuff
- Notice what they do, even if they aren’t shouting about what they do
- When you talk to someone, listen carefully to them
- Create opportunities for growth
- Be aware of the quiet ones, the ones whose voices are seldom heard and create space for them to contribute
- Call them out (kindly and gently) when they undermine themselves with words or behaviours
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Disclaimer: The information contained within this article is for general guidance only and represents our understanding of employment and associated law and employee relations issues as at the date of publication. Jaluch Limited, or any of its directors or employees, cannot be held responsible for any action or inaction taken in reliance upon the contents. Specific advice should be sought on all individual matters.
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