Are business and personal relationships getting muddled at work?

Last week, in a much-publicised social media ‘spat’ an employee accused his company’s HR team of ‘ghosting’ him. His email access had been blocked, but no one had contacted him about whether he was still employed. Hugely frustrating and, disrespectful. Although legally, you could probably argue that his employment, and therefore his pay, will continue until such time as he is formally dismissed.

Ghosting, as I’m sure you know, is when you end a relationship by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication. It’s not in any HR team’s interest to refuse to communicate on essential matters of employment. In fact, in the UK, HR teams have legal obligations when it comes to notifying someone of their dismissal and associated terms.

Aside from ghosting there are numerous other phrases that used to relate to social relationships only, but are now creeping into the workplace.

Let’s explore some of these terms

Submarining

In personal relationships, ‘submarining’ is when you stop seeing someone, and cut off communication (ghosting), but then suddenly reappear and resume contact.

Someone on LinkedIn used the term to describe how some of their LinkedIn contacts behave. They felt this behaviour was toxic, and any contacts who ‘submarine’ should be removed.

Does the term ‘submarining’ work for a business environment?

LinkedIn workplace relationships are not an extension of Instagram or Facebook. They are professional contacts mostly who may, at different times, be valuable to us. I have several thousand LinkedIn contacts and no expectation that I will regularly talk to most of them. Conversations come and go, favours are asked and given, and as far as I’m aware no one is upset if I suddenly appear out of the blue to ask a question. I’m not submarining them. I’m just getting on with my job and using these professional connections, in the way many of us have done for decades. Why put the relationship ‘spin’ on it? There’s no point getting emotional. It’s a professional networking site.

Benching

In the context of dating, think of it like benching a football player. This person is not your first choice, but you want to keep them on side for now, as a backup option.

In a TikTok commentary around job search, a recruiter had a positive conversation with someone but then ‘benched’ them until they considered the right role came up, occasionally making a few positive noises, but not offering anything concrete. The job hunter, not surprisingly, was taking a very negative view of being ‘benched’.

Does the term ‘benching’ work for a business environment?

Again, why put a personal ‘spin’ on a professional relationship? That simply doesn’t work. Recruiters build a network of those who are looking for jobs and those seeking employees and where they see a match, they make it happen. I personally viewed this social media poster as somewhat immature and perhaps a little naïve in not understanding the nature of the relationship they had with the recruiter.

Breadcrumbing

In the context of dating, ‘breadcrumbing’ is when someone gives you just enough attention to keep you hanging, but not enough to make you feel valued or wanted.

As with ‘benching’ you are left hanging, unsure of your position.

On yet another social media platform, a remote working employee talked about their relationship with a manager, complaining that their manager is effectively ‘breadcrumbing’ them ie doing the bare minimum to manage them and keep them working, but not doing enough to provide proper support when that was needed.

Does the term ‘breadcrumbing’ work for a business environment?

Do managers ‘breadcrumb’ their staff because they’re too lazy to manage properly? I think this term suggests an intention on the part of the manager to abuse their power, to undermine the individual or similar. But why do we have to put this negative label on what is happening?

To me this all sounds like ‘I’m the victim and this is what you are doing to me’. Instead, could we not say, ‘my manager struggles to be a good communicator especially when it comes to remote workers, so these are my ideas for managing upwards….’? This tendency to suggest malevolent intentions in relation to behaviours we find frustrating, irritating or even undermining, is hugely damaging and often totally wrong. Why does everyone have to be a ‘victim’ and how dangerous is it to expect everyone else to be perfect?

The ‘great ghosting’

The final term we want to mention is the ‘great ghosting’. The focus this time is switched, as it’s moved onto employees, away from the behaviours or actions of the manager or company. What is remarkable is that this happens sufficiently often for it to now have a name … but what exactly is it?

The ‘great ghosting’ is one step further than quiet quitting (physically turning up to work but mentally checking out and doing the bare minimum to get by). Instead, employees are quitting a job without telling the company, or changing their mind about even starting a job, but not bothering to inform the company. Simply leaving or checking out without saying a word.

So where does this leave the fragile line between personal and work relationships?

Increasingly muddled, might be my view. Attaching quite emotive terms to issues we are facing at work may inevitably result in a twisting of the narrative.

Reflecting on the employee who was ‘ghosted’ by the HR team … If an HR team is overwhelmed with work, under resourced etc then it will take time to return calls and write to people. Some HR teams have offshored their advice centres resulting in poor telephone response times and inadequate services for employees.

Unacceptable though this is, it’s not ‘ghosting’. Ghosting is personal and intentional. It’s a deliberate and often cowardly way to behave and, in my view, doesn’t really have a place in workplace language.

Is this part of modern day ‘bully’ culture?

Our employees are more conscious than ever of not allowing themselves to be bullied and not tolerating aggression, so why is it considered acceptable to be posting in this way on social media. Don’t expectations around bullying work both ways? This barrage of hostility from some employees in UK workplaces undermines everyone. Recruiters, HR teams, managers, customer service advisors etc both in our own and other organisations are not faceless people and departments but fellow employees … colleagues, friends and family members.

It’s not assertive…

In the training sessions we deliver, we often talk about workplace conflict and the difference between assertiveness and aggression. It’s not assertive behaviour to accuse a recruiter of ‘benching you’. If you want it all your way and no other way is acceptable, then that may be viewed as bullying.

It’s not assertive to ‘quiet quit’ or take part in the ‘great ghosting’. In fact, it’s passive aggressive and borderline bullying. Who picks things up when you turn your back and simply walk?

And wouldn’t it be great if…

The world of work is a balanced and happy place, where people support each other and put the right boundaries in place. Everyone learns to say ‘no’, is not guilt tripped into doing a colleague’s work, asks those who slip under the radar to stay and take their share of the load and is more assertive in speaking up and speaking out when it is necessary.

A little less emotion, a little bit more professionalism, less finger pointing, less jumping into the victim role, more can do, more smiles and looking for the positive, and definitely more realistic expectations of everyone around us., We are all, whatever our job title, human beings, all just as flawed as each other!

If you like what you’ve read or want to share your views, please do so.

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AUTHOR DETAILS

Helen Jamieson

Jaluch MD